My soul is tired. I’m tired of being starred at, tired of being hungry throughout the day, tired of having no one to have a real conversation with, tired of not being able to get in touch with anyone. There is no chapel so I haven’t been able to have a real holy hour in weeks. I feel distant from God right now. The physical discomforts pale before the constant solitude and loneliness. I stay inside my head enough as it is-—it’s just taking a toll on me. I know that this is the experience of a lifetime and I recognize the tremendous amount of graces and growth being poured out on and pulled out of me. But my soul is tired.
I debated about whether or not to post this. I’ve learned the unfortunate lesson that I have to be careful with whom I am transparent with. And yet I feel a loyalty to you all to not sugarcoat this experience in its entirety. I know that there can be no salvation without a cross, no Christ without nails, and a dear friend reminded me through an email that if “this weren’t a challenge I wouldn’t enjoy it.” He’s unfortunately right. Smooth seas never made a strong sailor. But we all need to vent sometimes.
Tonight we’re having Mass in the evening because it was storming through the morning hours and no one could come. I plan on having it out with God and I will finish this article later tonight.
* * *
Eight hours later.
We are all given the situations of life we’re in—my uncle used to say, “It is what it is.” Cardinal Van Thuan was imprisoned by the Vietnamese government for thirteen years, nine of which were in solitary confinement. He would celebrate Mass every day with three drops of wine and a drop of water in the palm of his hand. His body became the only tabernacle he had access to. I sat in Mass today realizing that without a chapel to sit in or monstrance to reverence, I would have to become the house for the Eucharist. My holy hour had to be with myself, with Christ as physically meshed with my DNA as He could be.
And it was good. “Your grief will be turned to joy…I will see you again” (John 16:20). God’s extreme love impels us to live suffering like Him and in Him. But He is there with us in such tears. Sometimes we have to cry. Sometimes we have to simply let go.
“Love it will not betray, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free / Be more like the man you were made to be. There is a design, an alignment to cry of my heart to see / the beauty of love as it was made to be”—Mumford and Sons.
-Bob
written 06/17/11
Bobby, thank you for being vulnerable. Your experience there, is helping my present state here. I will pray extra-hard for you. Be patient and wait on the Lord. -Lynx
ReplyDeleteOh, and I love you, brother. -Lynx
ReplyDeleteFriend, please know of our prayers. Ask the Blessed Mother to wrap you in her mantle of joy, peace, strength and love. Thanks for sharing this...TTM
ReplyDeleteBob,
ReplyDeleteKnow that you have prayers being sent for you (and Dan) from this side of the globe. We thank you on behalf of those you are directly, physically helping as well as show gratitude from those of us you are helping through the example of sacrifice and leadership you both are selflessly setting by doing what you currently are.
This post has brought such reality and vulnerability to your experience, and we share in your pain as you feel spritually and emotionally distressed. But God has sent you on such a journey as you have been chosen as a strong SOUL regardless of your physical strength.
God's blessings, guidance, love and perseverence to you, brother, and remember you were chosen by His Holiness Himself to be where you are, doing what you are doing. Keep in mind always; "The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you."
Bob, I read your post yesterday and it's been on my mind since then. I've been trying to think of what to say that would bring you any comfort, but I've never been where you are right now and I don't know that I have any meaningful advice for you. Just know that this present difficulty will pass and, for the rest of your life, you will be able to empathize with those who suffer from loneliness and isolation. I suspect there's no other way to understand it fully except to experience it yourself. I think this may, in time, prove to be a gift. For whatever it's worth, know that you have friends and family who are with you in spirit and in prayer.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, you're an excellent writer.
Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. -Oscar Wilde
ReplyDelete