A Humble Call

It’s pretty late Saturday night but I can’t sleep. It raining lightly and dark, but I can see the silhouette of the trees outside my window as I stare off. I wanted to write something, but I’m not sure what to say. There is a lot going on, but nothing I particularly feel called to write up at the moment. I’m approaching my fourth week in Liberia soon. It’s gone by incredibly fast in retrospect. Of course, some moments felt like time was just inching by, but I’ll spare you all a philosophical discussion on phenomenological time.

No, instead I just started to ponder my time here. The growth I’ve undoubtedly achieved already and the immense growth that is still ahead. And I am focusing on not getting into a routine where I get too comfortable so that I let the summer slip me by. I’m at the point where this is a very real threat. While there is still a lot that changes and fluctuates from day to day, I do have a pretty set routine down for the week.

I have questioned myself on many occasions: Am I really doing any good here? Have I done anything to impact these people’s lives or am I just a spectator passing through? Am I just here to challenge and stretch myself? Am I following the Lord’s will or my own agenda?

It’s hard to think at times that I could have any impact on the people here. I am “teaching” classes to a dwindling number of students, I am giving reflections from one year of seminary philosophy, and I can barely communicate to build real relationships.

However, I am not writing this merely to complain or in hopes of receiving encouraging comments. I just wanted to fill you in on some concerns I’ve had. This is not my normal train of thought though.

Overall, I know that I am here because the Lord has called me here. I know that no matter what negative thoughts may pass through my head, when I am afraid of failing at the task at hand or just plain exhausted, that I am here for a purpose. And I know that we were not called to Africa so that we could be its saviors (though I’m still opened to that possibility). We have been blessed with 2+ months on this incredible continent to soak up the culture and the universal Church. If I can make a difference while I am here, no matter how small, than praise God. If not, then I know that I myself have grown and I can at least bring these experiences back to the States with me.

As for my personal growth, well, I think that this blog is definitely one of them. I have never been one to open up too much or even journal, let alone on a blog to an unknown number of readers. Also, I know that my relationship with the Lord is increasing. I am making sure I get ample prayer time in and I have been forced to rely on him like I never have before. But I know there is so much more ahead on that front. There is much more, but I can’t tell you everything at once. I have to leave you hanging a little so you keep coming back for more (but really it’s because I’m still figuring it out myself).

-Dan
written 07/02/11

P.S. – This picture was taken on the way back from Monrovia today where we had lunch with two other American missionaries. I chose this one because I wanted to make the point that this was just an introspective post, not written from a disheartened state. And we called this our “deportation picture” because we took it right before we passed the last immigration checkpoint. We passed!