Uncharted

“We often meet our destiny on the road to avoid it”—Kung Fu Panda

I read an article recently on the lengths that men and women go to in order to sabotage their own vocations. The author called it the “Jonah Complex”--we glimpse the possibility of our own greatness, and then run from it. We fear change, the unknown, failure, losing control, greater responsibility, and ultimately, our own greatness. We resort to endlessly waiting for the “perfect moment” to act (which will never come) or distracting ourselves with projects, noise, or over-thinking the vocation question to the point of paralysis. Fear is the great beast that keeps us in between who we are and who we could be. No wonder John Paul II’s consistent message to the youth was “Be not afraid.”

I could write the book on how to avoid God. I could also write a book on how unsatisfactory that road is in the end. I prefer to stay behind-the-scenes, but I am continually being pulled out by Christ into a greatness I never would have dreamed for myself (or that I necessarily desired). All He seems to want is my “yes.” I never would have imagined myself doing ministry in Africa. But eight weeks later, here I am. If I never would have left home for Sierra Leone I don’t know who I would be today. I wouldn’t have lost 18 pounds (I was 190 when I left) or read over 14 books (including the Notebook...yes, Fr. Francis has a copy of the Notebook ; it was fantastic). I wouldn’t have faced my own poverty and allowed my prayer life to deepen to the depth Christ called for. I feel as if I have grown up a few years in only two months.

My last Sunday Mass was yesterday. That lost colony of American students I encounterd were passing by on their way to Freetown and they all stayed for the celebration. I sat on the altar looking out at my American companions, my Italian friends, and my African family. My imagination suddenly conjured up the image of a bowl. Stay with me, now: We are a bowl, and God, Who wants to continually pour more and more love into our hearts, can only do so if He makes it deeper. The bottom must be carved out. I have gone through two months of purging and detaching from comforts. I have ached for friends and family and realized that in God alone can loneliness be transformed. You better believe that the transformation hurts, but pain is not simply for the sake of pain. We have an end goal, a divine destination. During that Mass, the entire summer flashed through my mind and I realized there was no way to receive the magnitude of love present in that Mass if I didn't pass through the spiritual dark nights. They applauded for me, told me that I would be missed, and requested that the whole parish be invited to my ordination. That would be quite the airfare.


Thank you all for keeping up with the adventures of me and my brother. I wasn’t expecting to write as much as I have, but it turned out to be a worthy coping mechanism and outlet for my restless energy. Thank you even more for the thoughts, prayers, and email support. You all pushed me through the “wall” of my marathon and have helped in ways that still remain to be seen.

This week I leave to reunite with my brother in Kenya. I will formally conclude my share of the blog when I get home on the 28th. “Home”--what a lovely word. Feel free to insert your favorite Phil Collins/P. Diddy/Daughtry/Marc Broussard song referencing “home” at this point. After that, well...I start the major seminary in August. But the bigger story of my life is still unwritten, and I trust in God to bring this story to His desired conclusion and His desired greatness. That future is uncharted, and that’s fine with me.

See you soon.

-Bob
written 07/18/11